Monday, January 30, 2017

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Counselor’s Corner by Mary Beth Langevin:
 
Inspired by the course, Raising Emotionally and Socially Healthy Kids, with Dr. Kennedy-Moore, my hope is to share information from the 12 lectures about different aspects of child development.  Please look for future overviews of the lectures in the school counselor web page blog on the school’s website.  I hope to put a bulleted version of highlights from the lectures in the weekly newsletters.  More information about the bulleted points will be in the blog with additional resources listed related to the topic of the week.   With that said, please keep in mind that I am available to answer questions about your growing and ever changing child.  Feel free to contact me in person, by phone (CES 454-7777 ext. 362 or EMES 223-7936 ext. 303) or with email (mlangevin@u32.org).   If you would like more information on these suggestions, please check out my school counselor blog in the school website.


The Importance of Building Emotional Intelligence

Highlights from the lecture Developing Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence:
  • Emotional intelligence is the level of  understanding and response to feelings.
  • Children can learn to develop emotional intelligence by gaining emotional regulation skills which is how we express emotions.
  • Parents can act as emotion coaches to help students identify, acknowledge and process their feelings.
  • Emotion coaches label and acknowledge feelings (avoid applying your own interpretations)
  • Emotion coaches focus on coping with the situation by asking, What can be done to make the situation better?
  • Emotion coaches can help children find healthy distractions and encourage positive self-talk.  Suggest words to motivate.
  • At times children become emotionally flooded and have melt downs.  To weather a meltdown remove the child from the situation, wait for both body and voice to be calm (this can commonly take 20 minutes or longer), ease back into a conversation by making simple requests.  If the answer is yes, wait a few moments and make another simple request such as, would you like water?  Processing the situation comes when the child is completely calm and anything that needs to be cleaned up from the meltdown is picked up.
  • Work together to understand the perspective of the other people involved.
  • Remember the goal is to build communication, respect, and an ability to self-regulate emotions as the child matures.
To learn more about building emotional intelligence check out the full article in the school website's guidance blog.

The Importance of Building Emotional Intelligence

    Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, respond and adapt to emotional experiences within ourselves and others through self-regulation.  Emotional regulation is the foundation of emotional intelligence allowing us to understand, influence, and appropriately express emotional experiences.  Building emotional intelligence can be taught by helping children to recognize feelings and cope with emotions.  With improved emotional intelligence children learn to manage life’s challenges and emotional ups and downs. This helps children become strong independent adults weathering life’s trials and tribulations.  Parents can assist children by being “emotion coaches”.
    Parents who are “emotion coaches”  teach children to recognize their feelings by acknowledging feelings and labeling what they observe.  Once feelings are labeled and acknowledged, the “emotion coach” talks the children through ways they can cope with those feelings.  Parents may say, “you’re feeling worried about who will win the game.”  Avoid interpreting; instead simply describe and reflect the feeling back to the child.  By reflecting the words back to the child it gives the child language to work with and a common ground of understanding.  It also makes the emotional burden lighter for the child by showing them they are understood.  Next focus on coping with the situation and problem solving.  Ask the child, “What could you do?” or “What might help?”  Avoid asking why questions or questions that ask the child to explain what happened earlier during the coaching moment.  Elementary students may successfully move on from feeling the emotion to using healthy distractions or positive self-talk to cope with emotions.  
        When a child becomes emotionally aroused there are physiological signs, one being an increased heart rate.  During emotional arousal children can feel overwhelmed making it difficult to comprehend new ideas or information.  This creates a challenge for gaining perspective and problem solving.  To calm the aroused brain it is best to step away from the situation, if possible.  That goes for anyone who may be feeling emotionally aroused, infants through adults.  It may be best to wait out a meltdown.  This can take time as the physiological symptoms return to a calm state.  It may take 20 minutes or longer when a young child has a melt down and becomes emotionally flooded.  When the child begins to calm you can check on the situation by getting the child to agree to a small request, such as “Would you like a tissue?”   If the child agrees to the tissue, a few moments later see if they may like a glass of water.  These are small stepping stones to helping the child move on.  If they say yes to this, they may be ready to clean up any materials knocked over.  Say something like, “Let’s pick up the blocks.”  It is better not to point out that they made the mess, just state what needs to happen.
Later you can process the event.  First reflect on feelings.  Describe what you see.  “You’re feeling angry.”  Or you you could say you notice what they want by saying, “You want the toy.”  To show you understand them, start the sentence with the word you.  Reflections shows you understand and you care.  It also helps the child to learn to label and recognize their emotions.  If they say no (because you didn’t understand), simply try again.  Please note that if you try to solve the problems too quickly children often get louder when they do not feel heard.  
Next focus on coping with the situation.  Help your child think about moving forward.  Ask questions to guide them.  “What might help?” “What could you do?”  Avoid asking the child what or why they did it when moving forward towards problem solving.    
If you notice a pattern involving emotional flooding, such as time of day, try to change the routine to create a new ritual for the day.  Meltdowns often happen when children are tired, hungry or physically ill.  Empower your child by asking them for solutions to the routine change before there is another meltdown.  
    Children in the elementary years may experience a wide array of emotions as they navigate peer groups.  Parents can support their children by helping them to understand the  perspective of other children.  Parents are also able to offer helpful suggestions as the child works through problem solving options.
As children mature, emotional security shifts from the parents helping them to cope to building a wider resource of supports including parents, friends and even the wider community.  Parents remain the base of support, offering security and comfort when necessary, especially when children feel overwhelmed.  The role of “emotion coach” allows parents to build a level of communication and respect.
    To support the development of emotional intelligence parents can deliberately help children learn about feelings and how to manage them by being “emotional coaches”.  Parents can provide a secure, kind living environment which allows emotional regulation to flourish.  It is important for parents to also care for themselves by refueling and pausing to reflect on how precious families can be.

Kennedy-Moore, E. (2014).  Raising Emotionally and Socially Healthy Kids. Lecture presented at The Great Courses in Virginia, Chantilly.